Best shower scene ever!

When people are hurting, we need to ask nothing from them. They have nothing to give.

Yep! That’s the title. That’s the content of what’s on my mind today. The best shower scene ever made. Also, people are more likely to read if there is a provocative title, so whether you are here because you’re a perv, or because you are a fan, let’s talk about this.

James Bond movies. I’ve loved them since I was a little girl. I think it started because my dad loved them, and we bonded (see the pun there?) watching them together. Bond had the coolest gadgets and cars and got to go to the most exotic places. (When people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I always said, “A spy.” Which breaks the number one spy rule of not letting anyone know you are a spy.) James often found himself in compromising positions with beautiful women. He’s never been a poster child for monogamy or for love. He’s been more of a “love the one your with” kind of fellow. But, things have changed.

In a recent 007 movie, Casino Royale, there is a two minute moment that is so beautiful. I show it to couples that I counsel. I use it to teach people how to love each other in a more meaningful way. (I probably should have titled this post “The Best Love Scene Ever” but some of you wouldn’t have clicked, and it’s probably you pervs that need to hear this the most.) So in Casino Royale, Bond (Daniel Craig) and Vesper (his love) have just been attacked by a gaggle of bad guys. Bond kills all of them. This is nothing new to James, but for Vesper, she is clearly traumatized, not being used to watching blood splattering and people being killed. James sends her off to tell his henchman where he has hidden the bodies and to get rid of them. He then goes back to a poker game with the ultimate bad guy.

Okay here’s the part that melts my heart. When James comes to the room, he finds Vesper sitting in the shower. He goes to her and…okay wait. You should watch this clip before we go any farther (skip to 2:15 to just see the shower part):

 

Did you see that incredibly unselfish display of love? She is sitting in the shower, fully clothed. He goes to her, without her asking, and sits with her, in the shower, fully clothed. Here’s the part I explain to my couples; he sees her, clearly upset, and without requiring her to do anything to receive his love, he joins her right where she is. In fact, he asks if she is cold and makes the water warmer. He makes her more comfortable in her space, without asking her to do anything. I’m tearing up writing about it. Do you understand the significance of this action? How good would it feel, when you are hurting or scared or broken hearted, to have someone come to you, right where you are, requiring nothing from you to accommodate them, and just sit with you?

He could have said so many things. “Let’s dry you off.”, “Let me take your dress off.”, “Come in the other room.”, “Stand up.”, “Come here so I can hold you.” He could have asked her to accommodate him so he would be less uncomfortable, but he didn’t. When people are hurting, we need to ask nothing from them. They have nothing to give. We need to go to them, accept where they are and stay beside them. Who “sits in the shower” with you? Who would you do this for?

The people you love need you to do this. Your children, your spouse, your friends. They need you to go to them and sit with them, accepting their feelings, not minimizing, not trying to cheer them up, not silver lining them, just being with them while they experience sadness, anger, loss, hurt, and letting them feel what they feel. We all just want to be accepted and understood in our dark moments. There is a time to help people move on, but there is a time to just “sit in the shower”. Who knew that cad Bond would teach us such a beautiful lesson about love?

Be kind, be grateful, be courageous,

Jules

 

I hit the wall…

Get ready guys. This one is brutally honest. Sometimes, therapists are the worst at self-care. We tend to worry more about our patients’ emotional state then we do our own. We sometimes over estimate our own resilience, thinking we can work our stuff out in our own minds. Notice how I’m saying “we” and “our”? That’s so I can convince myself that it’s not, just me. But actually, I’m just talking about myself. I thought I had safe guards in place. I was practicing good self-care, and yet in August I noticed that I wasn’t feeling like myself. I was feeling stressed, pretty consistently, and knew I needed a break from my job. But, I didn’t take a break. I kept going, and going and going. Then it was September and I knew I REALLY needed a break from my job. I was having mini anxiety attacks walking into my office each day, I was dreading going to work each day. But I didn’t take a break. I didn’t reach out for support. I didn’t go to a therapist. I didn’t do anything I should have done. I kept going.

Normal me

fb_img_15701090295603682904878037695513.jpg

present me
ash

Last week, on Tuesday night, I cried all the way home from work because of stress. I felt empty. I felt like I didn’t have anymore to give. I felt like a lesser version of myself. I kept saying to myself, “I can’t go back there.” Wednesday morning I woke up and cried getting ready for work because I didn’t want to go. I had a full blown anxiety attack driving to work. I got to my office and realized I had hit the metaphorical wall.

I texted a friend and they replied, “Heal the healer. You’re not taking good care of yourself.” I wanted to argue, but I knew it was true. In desperation, I contacted all my patients scheduled for this week, and cancelled them all. I thought relief would follow, but it didn’t. Guilt was all I felt. Guilt for letting my patients down. Shame for not being “strong” enough to keep going. Fearful at the financial consequences this decision might have. But, as I told one of my afternoon patients that I wouldn’t see her the next week, she asked why I was taking time off. I was honest with her. Do you know what she said to me? She said, “Thank you for modeling good self-care for me. If you can give yourself permission to rest, I feel like I can do the same.” That spoke to my heart. Maybe allowing myself to rest didn’t have to cause me to feel guilt and shame. Allowing myself to rest could be good for me, but for my patients as well.

Compassion fatigue is what it’s called. Here’s the official description, “Compassion Fatigue is a state experienced by those helping people or animals in distress; it is an extreme state of tension and preoccupation with the suffering of those being helped to the degree that it can create a secondary traumatic stress for the helper.” Dr. Charles Figley. As a therapist, my job is to extend empathy to my patients hour after hour. When I practice good self-care, I can give this day after day. But in August, when I didn’t act, knowing I was feeling this fatigue, the downhill slide got really slippery. My anxiety started to increase, my depression symptoms started appearing, but I didn’t let anyone know. I didn’t act in response to my fatigue. I tried to ignore it. I didn’t go to a therapist. I did all the things I teach my patients not to do.

So this week off, I’ve said “no” to everyone. I’ve rested. I’ve read and I’ve written. I’ve connected with nature. I’ve prayed. I know that I need to rest. and that’s not only necessary, but acceptable. My boss, Steve, was so encouraging of my time off. My co-workers were so encouraging of my time off. My friends were so encouraging of my time off. I realized if I would have reached out, I would have gotten support. No one expected me to keep going, except, well…me.

I know some of you have stressful jobs. I know some of you are caregivers. I know some of you are healers and first responders. I know some of you are parents giving at maximum levels 24/7. When you are feeling empty, please reach out. When you are feeling like you have no more, please acknowledge where you are and rest. When you are feeling like a lesser version of yourself, it’s okay to recharge with self-care. Don’t wait until you hit the wall. Don’t be like me.

Be kind (to yourself), be grateful, be courageous!

Jules

Just breathe.

…most of us have become so accustomed to breathing shallow, because we live very stressful lives, that the only time we are breathing diaphragmatically, is when we are sleeping.

Put your hand on your chest. Feel it rise and fall as you inhale and exhale? That’s not

diaphragm

good. Most of us don’t breathe well. Most of us, most of the time, breathe shallow from our chest. Our lungs are located lower, and under our lungs is a muscle called the diaphragm.

I teach my clients something called Diaphragmatic Breathing. When we do this, the diaphragm contracts, the chest does not rise, but your belly rises and you can feel your lungs expand. This type of breathing is a natural, relaxed form of breathing in all mammals. This is how we should be breathing when we are relaxed and there is no present danger or threat. When we perceive danger or threat, we breathe shallow and fast…like an anxiety attack for instance. But, most of us have become so accustomed to breathing shallow, because we live very stressful lives, that the only time we are breathing diaphragmatically, is when we are sleeping.

Belly breathing maximizes the amount of oxygen that goes into our blood. This in turn circulates more oxygen to our muscles, organs and brain. The benefits can include improved lung function, improved heart function, relaxation, slowing of your heart rate, anxiety and stress management and reduction, lowering blood pressure, centering yourself, emotional regulation, self-soothing and calming the chaos in your brain, just to name a few. By practicing regularly, you can calm yourself with only one or two breaths. I’ve been practicing belly breathing for about 7 years now and can usually take one or two breaths and my body responds.

I teach this to nearly every patient I have. So, I thought it might be helpful for you. I’m going to teach you the basic tenets and you can practice it and let me know in the comments what you think of it. You want to breathe deep from your diaphragm (or belly). Put one hand on your chest and one on your belly. You will feel your belly rise and your lungs expand. Then exhale it all out through your mouth. Inhale through your nose, exhale through your mouth and make these the same amount of time. So if you count as you inhale, “1…2…3…4…5” you would count as you exhale “1…2…3…4…5”. Make sense? Great!

distracted

When I was first learning this skill, my mind would wander. And no matter how much I focused on the breathing or on the counting, my mind wandered. What did I need to get at Target later? Whose birthday is next? Why did Game of Thrones end? How did Game of Thrones end? How much of a telephone pole is in the ground? You see? It was a problem. But, I found out that if I had a visual image I could focus on that. My visual was the numbers as I counted. My numbers look like black house numbers you buy at the hardware store. Your numbers could look like clouds or be colors or whatever works for you.

If you try to ignore a distracting thought, it just knocks louder on the door. It’s best to acknowledge the thought and then go back to focusing on the breathing, or the counting or the numbers. Something like this, “Oops, I can think about my Target list later, now I’m going to focus on my breathing.” then let the distracting thought pass through your mind and refocus. It’s more difficult at first, but it gets easier the more you practice.

Some patients imagine inhaling a warm light, or peace, calm, love, (positive things) and then exhaling chaos, darkness, sadness, anxiety. Try this. Use it if it works for you and don’t if it doesn’t. Practice at least 3 times a day for 5 minutes each time. Set a timer so you aren’t distracted by the clock. Sit in a quiet place, close your eyes and give it a try. When you need to use it, you will be surprised how fast your body responds after practicing for awhile. Let me know in the comments how it goes for you! Happy breathing!

Be kind, be grateful, be courageous!

Jules

Deadhead

I’m loving summer. Every single day. I’m savoring it. Here in the Midwest we know that these long, hot days are an extravagance that is short lived. For me, summer means a lot, A LOT, of outdoor flowers. I love to plant them in beds, in pots, in all kinds of curious vessels. Each year I invest in more and more perennials that will come back time and time again. I love being outside tending to them, figuring out which ones need more shade, less water, more sun, etc. and then watching them flourish and grow once I’ve got it right.

All of my plants have different needs. I can’t treat them all the same or they won’t survive. I sometimes have to move them from place to place, finding the “right spot” for each one. I have to try watering daily or every other day or once a week, and let the plant show me when I’m doing it right. One of the essential tasks, with many of the varieties I have, is deadheading. After a flower blooms and then dies, I pinch the dead one off so a new one can bloom. This way the plant doesn’t expend valuable energy and nutrients where it doesn’t need to. Today I was outside, tending to a plant that is not doing well and it sparked some thoughts.

As I was pulling out the dead stems and pinching off the dead blooms, I started thinking that if someone were to look at this plant presently, you might not think much of it. You might think it was a lost cause. But you don’t realize that it looks BETTER now than it did 30 minutes ago before I pruned it. Don’t we so often judge people in the moment, when actually we don’t know their story? We don’t know what their life looked like 30 min ago, or 30 days ago or 3 years ago. They might seem like a lost cause, but maybe they are so much better than they were. A work in progress, as I remind all of my clients that we are. Maybe they were flourishing and suddenly, or gradually, what they needed to thrive was removed or diminished or changed. And now we see them at work, at Target, at church, diminished, undernourished, and we judge them, not knowing if it’s their best day or worst day or somewhere in between.

Also, with my plant, I have the advantage over the observer by knowing how beautiful this plant was when I bought it. It was gorgeous. Overflowing with beautiful blooms. I’ve seen the plant at it’s best. I know what it can look like when it gets what it needs. Unfortunately, it’s present state is my fault. I didn’t give it what it needed. I feel like it was needing more sun, and I have moved it to a place it will get that. Time will tell if I’m right. The signs were all there, dying leaves, fewer blooms, drooping stems, but even though I noticed, I didn’t change how I nurtured the plant until today. I know the potential this plant holds, and I wasn’t do my part to help it thrive.

Have you ever watched a relationship or a person slowly display all the signs that it wasn’t getting what it needed, and didn’t take time to nurture it? You know the potential it holds, you used to be happy with your partner, you used to be great friends with someone. You have to invest the time to find out what is missing, and then adjust your care so that it thrives again. If the right care is given, the relationship or person can often bloom again. It can come back to life before your eyes. But you have to be curious, and work, and be willing to admit you are doing something that isn’t working

Sometimes I buy plants on clearance. I call these my Charlie Brown plants. They usually look pretty bad. I enjoy the challenge of seeing if I can revive them. The reward is pretty sweet if I can figure out it’s needs and bring it back to life.  But much of that work is guessing. As humans, we can tell others what we need. We can reach out and say, “Hey! I’m not getting what I need.” We can ask for help. But it’s hard sometimes. For so many reasons. I want to encourage you to reach out if you are not getting what you need. I want to encourage you to invest if someone around you is showing signs of neglect or not getting what they need to bloom. We can’t bloom where we are planted without care.

“In the garden of love, flowers don’t die.”
― Nitya Prakash

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cracked and Broken

“…the very things that helped us heal, if relied on for protection too long, can cause reduced function and eventually permanent dysfunction. “

Broken. The dictionary defines it as 1. reduced to fragments; fragmented. 2. ruptured; torn; fractured. 3. not functioning properly; out of working order. Have you ever seen a sign that says “Temporarily Out of Order”? It gives you the hope the object will be working again at some point. If something is fragmented, sometimes the fragments can be put back together and it’s fixed. Sometimes not.

Cracked. The dictionary defines it as 1. broken without separation of parts; fissured 2. damaged; injured. Not as severe as broken. The parts aren’t separated, and it can be fixed easier. Damaged in some way, but not fragmented. If we apply this idea to a bone in your body, both can be fixed, but a broken bone sometimes requires additional material to help it fuse, something to isolate it while it heals and/or a longer time before it’s back to normal functioning. A cracked bone usually heals quicker, and may require a splint or cast for a short time to protect it as it heals.

There have been things in our lives that cause cracks. We are injured, but not fragmented. We can mostly function, but there’s a crack somewhere that keeps us from fully functioning in some way. We need time to heal, and we figure out how to protect that part of ourselves until it does heal. Sometimes we are worried that the same injury will occur, so even after it’s healed, we continue to protect or isolate that part of us. That’s when it becomes unhealthy. Can you imagine wearing a finger splint or a cast for the rest of your life? When used properly it aides in healing, when overused, it actually reduces function and could cause permanent dysfunction to the formerly injured part.

For some of us, there have been things in our lives that broke us. Reduced us to fragments, tore us apart, rendered us out of working order. We cannot functio

broken

n. We need lots of time to heal, we need to protect ourselves to heal, and we may need additional help to fuse our fragments back together. After a break, we have the instinct to over protect that part of us. We remember the pain, the confusion, the sadness, all the feels we experienced, and never want to feel that again. Again, the very things that helped us heal, if relied on for protection too long, can cause reduced function and eventually permanent dysfunction.

Let me tell you a story. When I was four years old, I was riding a motorcycle on Thanksgiving, with my brother driving, me sitting behind him, and my cousin riding on the seat behind me. We were in a field across from my house. The motorcycle fell over on it’s side. It fell on my tiny leg and broke my femur. My brother carried me home. My parents took off my little snowsuit and my leg was SWOLLEN. The doctor came to the house, and sent us off to the hospital an hour away. The bone was broken so high it couldn’t be in a cast. I was put in traction for nearly a month. My ankle was in a sling that was hoisted up, and attached to a bar above my bed, 24 hours a day. Not easy for a four year old. Then came a wheelchair at the hospital and physical therapy. I had to re-learn how to walk. My foot turned in for awhile, and my leg was weak, but eventually I went home on crutches. In time, my bone healed and I ran and played like any other little kid. It never bothered me again.

healing

When we have been emotionally broken or cracked, we are very aware of the injured part of us, it’s “swollen”. Sometimes we let others know that we are out of working order by pushing them away with anger, sarcasm, withdrawing, or other overt means. Sometimes we isolate ourselves, turning inward and protecting ourselves. Maybe we have “crutches” and figure out how to outwardly function, but inside we are scared or in pain and no one knows.

It’s so hard to gather all the fragments of you and put them back together by yourself. It’s so hard to know when you can stop using your splint, your cast, your crutches, because you are the one in pain. Sometimes, we have used the thing that was to protect us so long, it’s become a part of us, and we don’t even realize we are using it when we don’t need it.

I want to encourage you to ask for help. Often, a crack properly treated, can prevent a break. If you are feeling cracked, could you ask someone to help you so you don’t break? If you are broken, could you ask someone to help support you while you heal? It doesn’t

crutches

mean you are weak or lacking or less than. It takes courage to ask for help. It’s takes strength. I want you to feel whole again. I want you to be rid of all your protective devices so you can live your life in freedom. I know it’s hard. I have an appointment this week with a new therapist. I’ve been feeling a little cracked lately. I don’t want to break. But, just making the appointment was hard. I kept putting it off. My anxiety about going is high, and I’m a therapist! If I can do it, you can do it.

Be kind, be grateful, be courageous!

Jules

So I’m proud…

Today I have a guest blog. She didn’t know she was writing for me…or for you. But, when I read my oldest daughter’s post on Facebook this morning, I thought a lot of you could relate. She’s 29, married, with 3 kids, ages 10, 8 and 1. Here’s her thoughts, with her permission to share.

I feel really compelled to post about something today. Not sure why but I feel like I need to share this. Quite often I am told that I am a perfect mother. I am always being asked how I manage to do it all and how I keep it together. Usually when people tell me this I still get a 3 second “why in the world do they think that?!?” delay in my brain. Then I remember it’s because I work really damn hard to appear that way. I’m also really good at giving advice. I can usually tell you how to handle any situation in the best way. Which is ironic because I don’t take any of my own advice. I act like I have it together because that’s what I am supposed to do. As a mother, as a woman, as a wife, as an adult. We are made to believe that we need to have it together. ESPECIALLY women and ESPECIALLY mothers. I don’t show any flaws or show that I’m tired, stressed, holding back tears or ready to pack up and sneak out in the middle of the night and go anywhere but here. But I am. Sometimes I have it together and it’s a good day. Sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I can’t look at myself in the mirror without wanting to cry because all I see are flaws. I have stretch marks and a c section scar that feels like it’s a mile long. I hate it. I hate my body so much. First it was because I was always teased for being skinny. Then it was because I hated my pregnant body. Then it was because I hated my post pregnancy body. Then it was because I wasn’t curvy and thick. It’s horrible. And not just body image, sometimes I scream at my kids so loudly that I cry afterwards because I feel so awful for doing it. I get so exhausted and tired of hearing “mom” and picking up and solving problems and changing diapers that I snap and become this witch who is ready to sell her kids to the traveling circus. Ans sometimes before I go out or get ready, I stand in my closet and have anxiety attacks about getting dressed because I can’t fit into half of my clothes anymore but I keep them anyways because getting rid of them would mean I am accepting my new body and I don’t want to. So I stand there and panic about what to wear and how to make small talk and picture everyone staring at me and judging me. So I decide not to go. I spend so much time worrying. I spend so much time trying to be perfect. I put my self worth into all the wrong things. Like how fast I wash and put away laundry, how clean my kitchen is, and how pretty I look in a selfie. I think we all need to stop living to achieve a certain look and start living to achieve a certain quaility of life. All that time I spend standing in my closet worrying, could be spent doing something so much more important. I do a really good job. I am extremely flawed but I am also really good at a lot of stuff. It may not be the same stuff that the Facebook Jane’s or Instagram Betty’s are good at but I can give a one year old a bath WITHOUT getting the bathroom floor soaked. And I can cook a dinner so good that it would make Jesus swear. And I can make a badass fort out of only two chairs, one body pillow, a sheet and two zip ties. I can love my husband, my kids and myself with my whole heart. I can give myself more credit when I deserve it. I need to start doing that more. We all do I think. So here is me today with my normal, day to day look. There is something powerful about exposing your truth, letting everyone know that I’m flawed too. No makeup, breakouts, ridiculously dry skin (fck this dry winter air!!) unplucked eyebrows, bushy and undone hair in a bun (that is half out of the ponytail and just hanging there). Sweats, T-shirt and undone (or even painted for that matter) nails and toes. For breakfast I ate a Chobani and an apple. For lunch I’m eating a star crunch and a turkey and cracker lunchable. So there are my flaws and insecurities. You’re not the only one. We all have them. Stop the anxiety and start embracing yourself and all you have to offer. It’s more than you think. ❤️ And thank you Kolton and my babies for loving me despite all of my flaws and anxiety. You guys are the reason I am able to get out of bed some mornings.#wokeupfeelingpreachy #selflove #selfworth #flaws #acceptance #patience #progress #everyonehasabattle

Be kind, be grateful, be courageous,

Jules

So I’m privileged…

“The fact that I can choose to go without, no matter what my motivation, tells me that I’m privileged.”

I took a cold shower the other day. I do it a few times a month. I don’t enjoy it. Normally I luxuriate in long, hot showers for as long as I please. I did the dishes by hand the other day.  I do it occasionally. I don’t enjoy it. Normally I just pop them in the dishwasher and let it do it’s magic. I didn’t wear a coat to work today, even though my phone told me it is 27 degrees outside. I do this sometimes. I don’t enjoy it. Normally I choose from my many warm, stylish winter coats and never feel the wind. I’ve been thinking I should sleep on the floor occasionally. I wouldn’t like it. Normally I crawl into my cozy, soft bed and sleep comfortably. Why would I do these things? Because I’m privileged and I know it.

When I’m in Africa, I take swift cold showers because hot water for any length of time is a luxury. I often don’t have electricity, and rarely wifi. I wash dishes and clothes by hand. I seem to get along just fine without these things when I have to. Once a month I help my friend Acha feed people in the homeless camps here in Kansas City. Summers here are HOT and winters here are COLD. They don’t have a comfy, warm bed to fall into at night. They don’t always have the appropriate coat to put on for the temperature. They don’t have electricity at night to watch TV and read, or wifi to help them find resources.

I’m very privileged and I know it. I have all the comforts a girl could want. I have all the choices. The fact that I can choose to go without, no matter what my motivation, tells me that I’m privileged. But, I do choose to go without sometimes. I need to remind myself what life is like without convenience and comfort. I need to remember that people all over the world do not have the comfort and the choices that I have, and be grateful for my life.

This Thanksgiving season, make intentional decisions to be grateful. This Christmas holiday season, make intentional decisions to be kind, and share what you have with others that don’t. Occasionally, choose to go without, to remind you of your privilege and to keep your heart tender. “For unto whom much is given, of him much will be required.” Jesus (Luke 12:48).

Be kind, be grateful, be courageous,

Jules