My Grief is Not Your Grief…

“It’s like being covered in bruises and fearing the next time someone bumps into you.”

Grief is something we all experience at one time or another. Grief because someone we love died, grief from unmet expectations in life, grief because of losing a relationship, grief from realizing the dream we had of our life isn’t going to happen, and many other reasons. But, even though we all experience grief, my grief is not your grief. Even if we are experiencing grief for the same reason, my grief is not your grief. Even so, all grieving people need you to be gentle. It’s like being covered in bruises and fearing the next time someone bumps into you. It was customary in the late 1800’s and early 1900’s to wear a black arm band as a sign of mourning. A sign for the world to be easy with you because you had suffered a loss.

My mom died, very suddenly and unexpectedly on April 19. Just a little over a month ago. She had lived with me and my husband since November of 2019. She was in good health for 87, and was especially happy in the last month of her life. The day she died, she was happy and laughing and we had been outside enjoying the sunshine and the lovely day. We were riding in the golf cart around our property, looking at the flowers and watching the dogs and bunnies and two of our granddaughters playing. In the span of about 30-45 minutes she went from that, to being dead. I still can’t wrap my head around it. Or my heart.

Yesterday, I took my husband to the same ER that my mom died in a month ago. It was overwhelming to me to be in that same place so soon. Because of COVID restrictions when my mom was in the ER last month, I couldn’t go back to the room she was in and she died alone, then they let me see her. Now, I was in the same waiting room. I walked to my husband’s exam room and saw the room that I last saw my mom in after she died. No one knew all the anxiety and sadness I was feeling. I didn’t express it, but I felt it in every cell of my body. I was overcome with so many emotions, but no one could tell.

Today, one day later, I MISS my mom. Gut wrenching grief that feels like I’m being punched in the stomach. Maybe it’s because of all the triggers yesterday. Maybe it’s because I got mail for her today. Maybe it’s because my husband is in the hospital and I’m alone. I don’t know. I don’t care. I just want her to be here, sitting on the porch with me and laughing. It feels like the first day after she died. Like I’m starting all over again. I’m just letting myself feel it and crying it out. I’m not afraid of this terrible, painful emotion. I’m walking through it, but I hate it.

There are many books written that include the five stages of grief, as identified by Kubler and Ross. Denial, Anger, Depression, Bargaining and Acceptance. Any good therapist will tell you that these are not linear. You don’t experience them in any particular order, for any particular length of time. You don’t go from one to the next, finish that one never to return to it again, and move on to the next. My experience with grief has taught me that I can experience them all in the same day.

When my dad died three years ago, you can go back in my blog and read about my feelings of being tossed in a sea of waves, then tossed up to the beach, only to find myself on sand that kept washing away leaving me unsteady. I feel that now with my mom’s death, but it’s not the same. I still had a parent left then. I’m angry often that I’m an orphan now. My parents tethered me somehow to this world, and now I feel untethered. Like an astronaut that was hooked to his ship with a line and the line breaks and he’s free floating in space. I’m angry that I didn’t know she was going to die that day, and I didn’t get to tell her goodbye. I’m sad all the time, though you can’t always tell. I’ve tried bargaining with God to have one more day with my mom, just to say goodbye. Sometimes I’m in denial, like the many times over the past two days I’ve picked up my phone to call my mom and update her on how my husband is doing. Or when I tell myself she will be at home, playing with her little dog, when I get there.

I know that my siblings loved my mom fiercely. Just as much as I did. But, I also know that my grief is not their grief. I know that it looks different in all of our lives. It doesn’t matter that we are going through the stages differently. All grief is valid grief. You can’t always tell a person’s pain from talking to them. No one in the ER realized the trauma work I was doing in my head, and the fear and anxiety I was battling.

Please be kinder than necessary to people. You never know the battles they are inwardly fighting. Don’t equate their emotional expression, or lack thereof, with their healing process. So many of my patients are doing trauma work for something that no one else knows even happened to them. Sometimes I wish I could give them a black band to wear so others would be gentle with them. Sometimes I wish I could wear a grief band so others would know how fragile I feel right now. Some kind of outward sign that says, “Please be careful with me. I’m not okay.” Assume others are fighting battles you know nothing about, and move towards them with gentleness and compassion. Those of us that are believers have a commission from God, “As God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.” Something for all of us to strive for.

Be kind, be grateful, be courageous,

Jules

Best shower scene ever!

When people are hurting, we need to ask nothing from them. They have nothing to give.

Yep! That’s the title. That’s the content of what’s on my mind today. The best shower scene ever made. Also, people are more likely to read if there is a provocative title, so whether you are here because you’re a perv, or because you are a fan, let’s talk about this.

James Bond movies. I’ve loved them since I was a little girl. I think it started because my dad loved them, and we bonded (see the pun there?) watching them together. Bond had the coolest gadgets and cars and got to go to the most exotic places. (When people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I always said, “A spy.” Which breaks the number one spy rule of not letting anyone know you are a spy.) James often found himself in compromising positions with beautiful women. He’s never been a poster child for monogamy or for love. He’s been more of a “love the one your with” kind of fellow. But, things have changed.

In a recent 007 movie, Casino Royale, there is a two minute moment that is so beautiful. I show it to couples that I counsel. I use it to teach people how to love each other in a more meaningful way. (I probably should have titled this post “The Best Love Scene Ever” but some of you wouldn’t have clicked, and it’s probably you pervs that need to hear this the most.) So in Casino Royale, Bond (Daniel Craig) and Vesper (his love) have just been attacked by a gaggle of bad guys. Bond kills all of them. This is nothing new to James, but for Vesper, she is clearly traumatized, not being used to watching blood splattering and people being killed. James sends her off to tell his henchman where he has hidden the bodies and to get rid of them. He then goes back to a poker game with the ultimate bad guy.

Okay here’s the part that melts my heart. When James comes to the room, he finds Vesper sitting in the shower. He goes to her and…okay wait. You should watch this clip before we go any farther (skip to 2:15 to just see the shower part):

 

Did you see that incredibly unselfish display of love? She is sitting in the shower, fully clothed. He goes to her, without her asking, and sits with her, in the shower, fully clothed. Here’s the part I explain to my couples; he sees her, clearly upset, and without requiring her to do anything to receive his love, he joins her right where she is. In fact, he asks if she is cold and makes the water warmer. He makes her more comfortable in her space, without asking her to do anything. I’m tearing up writing about it. Do you understand the significance of this action? How good would it feel, when you are hurting or scared or broken hearted, to have someone come to you, right where you are, requiring nothing from you to accommodate them, and just sit with you?

He could have said so many things. “Let’s dry you off.”, “Let me take your dress off.”, “Come in the other room.”, “Stand up.”, “Come here so I can hold you.” He could have asked her to accommodate him so he would be less uncomfortable, but he didn’t. When people are hurting, we need to ask nothing from them. They have nothing to give. We need to go to them, accept where they are and stay beside them. Who “sits in the shower” with you? Who would you do this for?

The people you love need you to do this. Your children, your spouse, your friends. They need you to go to them and sit with them, accepting their feelings, not minimizing, not trying to cheer them up, not silver lining them, just being with them while they experience sadness, anger, loss, hurt, and letting them feel what they feel. We all just want to be accepted and understood in our dark moments. There is a time to help people move on, but there is a time to just “sit in the shower”. Who knew that cad Bond would teach us such a beautiful lesson about love?

Be kind, be grateful, be courageous,

Jules